The Big Graduation Speech

Social media... no matter how tall your fences are, every now and then someone still manages to climb over your fence and make your grass feel less green, as they imprint footsteps in your garden. It's cliché, but things only become a cliché because they are repeatedly real. I'd like to think I built my fences pretty well, only allowing inspiring flowers into my garden. My Facebook feed is full of social causes or news outlets that inspire me; my Instagram feed is mostly filled with artistic works and poetry. It's the time of graduation, however, and seeing people's posed pictures in their big black robes, fancy hats and colourful ribbons slipping past my fences does do something to me.

For one, a degree in the Netherlands (whether it's a Bachelor's or Master's) has never been grandly celebrated. We don't do robes and hats, and I don't think the Postgraduate Diploma I got from UCL qualifies me for a ceremony. Seeing these photos of robes and hats keeps making me think I should be making a big deal out of graduating from my Master's programme in six months. LinkedIn posts make my stomach turn even more: people who graduate Cum Laude or who make a big change in some developing country make me question myself. What if I don't live up to what everyone else is experiencing? Were all of my detours really worth it if I didn't get to where those people are without many detours?

I'd say that my life has pretty much been a rollercoaster ride since obtaining my Bachelor's degree. I took a much longer path than most of my friends did, and a lot of my high school classmates have been working in industry for years. It always felt like I was kind of behind even though I was just expanding myself... Taking a whole year out to gain industry experience, spending my summers abroad for additional education, extending my 2-year Master's programme to a 3-year programme by sandwiching a Postgraduate Diploma and third internship experience in between. During these years I have learned a lot, grown a lot, but I would not say that I 'found myself', perhaps because I stretched myself everywhere. But I don't like the idea of 'finding oneself' if I were to be honest; I keep wondering what happens after that. Does finding oneself imply that one does not grow anymore afterwards? If that's the case, I'd rather not find myself. I like to reinvent myself, keep exploring, keep becoming a better version of myself.

The question then becomes: when is it enough? What will I say once I defend my Master thesis in six months and obtain my certificate? Will I be happy to flaunt like all my LinkedIn connections do, no matter the result? Should I be adding to this toxicity by sharing this, if I do get a high grade? And what do I do if I don't graduate, or get a low grade? I also know that I can't change the world with a thesis, but still, what if the things I find out are not going to help build a circular economy in the fashion industry? What if I don't stay true to myself and lose my purpose?

People often say it's not about the destination, but the journey. When I think about my 'Big Graduation Speech', I hope I'll lean that way. I try to tell myself that it does not matter, what matters is that I was doing something I believed in, that I learned something along the way, and that I did so without overstretching myself like I usually do. I was lucky that I have always had a great support system around me and was willing to seek help. I still remember term 3 at UCL, one of my most stressful periods. Suddenly I had to deal with a lack of routine, many deadlines, whilst going through internship applications. My anxiety was at its peak back then: I was often too nervous about the next day to fall asleep and I spent many mornings full of panic attacks, getting nauseous from the idea of spending the day in the library. My teachers back then helped me back into it, I also had many peers spending library days with me, I got counselling from a UCL support worker and I also got extensions due to my condition. These are things that people don't find on my LinkedIn. All they'd see is that I graduated with a distinction and that I was a very active member in student societies fighting for climate change.

I am now 5 weeks into my Master thesis and still have 20 weeks to go. So far my anxiety has not been too awful, but my body has definitely been burned out from the last couple of years. Thus, I am not able to put in the extra evenings and weekend work, something that is odd for me if you compare me to my Bachelor's days or even my time at UCL. Of course, the perfectionist inside of me still tends to work an extra hour or two here and there, but not whole days like I used to. I have also consciously made the decision to only work 4 days a week so I can dedicate my time to therapy. When I graduate, I want that to be my story. I want my greatest achievement to be my own health and feeling content with myself no matter the result. I think self-love is something I have neglected for long enough, as cheesy as it sounds.

I have always wanted to become a mental health advocate, but somehow my professional life never took me there due to personal reasons. Going to UCL, I thought I'd get back to it. I did very briefly by volunteering for Mind in Camden for a 3-4 months. It was too short to make an impact, but I think it truly made me realise that empathy and authenticity is key to becoming a mental health advocate. I once submitted an essay about 'The Change I Want to Make' as part of many scholarship applications for my studies at UCL. I wrote my essay about opening up the conversation about mental health issues, putting my own struggles in an ambiguous spotlight. I did not win the contest, but I did get a honourable mention out of more than 13,000 other applicants in my age category. I was very proud about this because it was this one time I was honest about my struggles even though it could've negatively impacted the results; it made me 'own' my story even for just a brief moment. For a long time, I was afraid to share this essay in public, I still slightly am. For one, it opens up a lot about my 'real self', something I am afraid will make my professional life suffer. Secondly, it feels like I have been lying, because in the end I decided to focus more on sustainability rather than mental health. I guess my essay back then was not dishonest, I have just been reinventing myself again. Also deep inside I do still care for mental health issues, which is why I am determined to celebrate my 'time off' after graduation by volunteering and fundraising for a mental health charity by running a half marathon.

I think the thing that people remember the most about me should not be my achievements but the way I got there, both my ups and downs. I hope one day I can be courageous enough to be authentic without fear, and to embrace myself even for my 'failures'. I hope I can see that nothing is ever really a failure because treading on is already an achievement. My friend once told me that a semi-colon is used when an author could have ended their sentence, but did not. I want each of my 'achievements' to end in a semicolon, ever-transforming the sentence of my life.