Healing

It's been a month since I graduated - things have certainly been different since then. I have never felt such freedom before and am surprised by my own discipline. My sleep-wake rhythm is still on point; waking up early makes me feel refreshed and like there's hope for the day. Mornings are my most productive, where I'd do things that require some brain energy... such as writing.

The rest of the day I am usually familiarising myself with a DIY-mentality that I was always frightened of before. Rather than striving for perfection, I find joy in progress. Whether this is about crocheting or sewing, I am very excited about the upcycling possibilities... thinking of changing old bags around or creating things I need to store my camera equipment in.

My creativity is peaking: I'm writing poems, following illustrator courses and having some fun with photoshop to create cheesy pictures for my friends. Other than that, I am going crazy with growing herbs and vegetables. My current collection include: basil, mint, coriander, butternut squash, bitter melon, pineapple, red peppers, cauliflower, sunflowers and courgettes. It's going to be an exciting summer; I'm thinking of building a green house. Since my ankle still isn't fully healed yet, my time in the garden is my main means of physical activity. A few days ago I cycled 12 km, though, and I am hoping to make it a habit.

I am happy to be a mental health advocate through my own lifestyle changes and my communication towards others. My fundraiser has reached 840 euros already, and recently I got interviewed for my university's online magazine about the way I struggled with my mental health during my thesis. It was a bit odd to be interviewed; I am used to being the one behind the camera, not in front of it. In the beginning I felt slightly anxious about the way the article would paint me, but now I am happy that my story is out there. Being more honest is just a crucial part of my healing process.

All the busyness aside, I do find myself slowly crawling back in a downward spiral again. My activities help to keep a routine up, but I am still battling feelings of loneliness and insecurity in social relations. Being honest feels easy as an artist, but less so as a friend.

Today I went through my second therapy session, which is still in its explorative phase (untangling what my usual behavioural patterns are that were spurred by my character or past experiences). It's nothing new to me, but being confronted with it makes me feel like there's no end to healing. As my mood is going down these days, I am constantly battling to keep the balance between being this 'warrior fighter' that's survived depression and this helpless soul that's still suffering from depression.

I find myself going back to old ways of emotionally pushing people away... excessively focussing on their needs and talking about their days rather than expressing my own (negative) emotions. My phone is probably going crazy from the way I keep installing and un-installing certain apps just to force myself away from certain people. I love who I am becoming as a person these days but I am still not in love with the person I am in relation to others. I am still afraid of judgement and abandonment, and this is causing toxic thoughts/behaviours which prohibit me from forming healthy relationships. The people I usually rely on for emotional support have expressed their own struggles and feelings of helplessness when it comes to my darkness, and I don't know who to turn to anymore. After all, this is a therapist's job, and my own responsibility.

Reaching €500 and increasing my fundraising goal

An update on the fundraiser

I've done it! The mental health fundraiser that I set up reached its initial goal of 500 euros! According to Mind's donation page, this amount of money covers 22 hours of their online peer support community, OR answers 11 infoline calls. Sometimes a listening ear can already mean so much to those who struggle... I am happy that this collective effort is contributing to something meaningful.

Since there's still plenty of time until my half marathon, I've decided to increase my fundraising goal to 1000 euros. This feels a bit ambitious, but let's see how it goes. It definitely puts me in a more vulnerable position. Most of the people who donated up until now were people who are close to me or kind of knew about my mental health struggles. Now that I've increased my fundraising goal, it's time to campaign amongst those who are unfamiliar with my struggles as well. 

Most of my friends and the people I've worked with are very open-minded, so it doesn't really bother me that they'd know about my struggles. At most, they might find my constant spamming a bit annoying. What I am more tense about is how this fundraiser exposes me to the Asian community. 

It is not usual for most Chinese to speak about emotions, let alone mental health struggles. Most of my cousins and aunts/uncles probably never really knew about my struggles until I posted my fundraiser online. Although I am starting to open up about my mental health, I am not sure if I am ready to talk about all the roots yet. I think that's also something to unpack with my therapist anyway.

So, how's life then?

I am beyond happy that the initial fundraising goal has been reached already, but part of me is also sad that I can't go running yet. My last running attempt didn't do my ankle any good, and it's affecting my mental health. During my master thesis I did not really mind the lack of exercise due to COVID-19 and my ankle, although the moments that I ran or danced were the only times where I felt like I was truly alive. I was very satisfied just focussing on my thesis, and enjoying a new-found digital connection with several friends.

Now that I have no university responsibilities anymore, I am still keeping busy. Usually I wake up around 7:30 AM because of my inability to sleep deeply and there's so much I want to do during a day. This is definitely a new-found joy in life. I've been planting herbs, crocheting, embroidering, writing, following webinars, busying myself with the fundraiser, playing mah yong with the family, making physical photo albums, and so much more.

The last few days it feels like my depression is slowly trickling back, though. The lack of dancing, running and social contact is only now starting to sink in. Sure I am keeping busy, but it's starting to feel a bit purposeless.

Due to covid-19 and waitlists, I also haven't had any therapy anymore since March. Next week I am starting with a set of "schema therapy" sessions, which basically means I will be deconstructing my whole life and my repeated thought/behavioural patterns to unfold the root causes and solutions to my depression. I hope things get better then. The novel digital connections with friends have become a bit more superficial again as everyone is starting to go back to their 'normal lives'. It definitely feels a bit lonely talking to my blog and plants. 

But, as always, I won't let my emotions get in the way of the things I want to do. I am certainly not planning things as avidly as I did before, but there's still a whole waitlist of personal projects that I'd like to start working on... so stay tuned!

Continuing to drive the change I want to make

It's only been 2 weeks since I put my fundraiser for mental health online, and I'm already at 70% of my goal! I feel beyond grateful for the support I've gained during this journey. I certainly did not expect things to go this fast, which is partly why I planned my half marathon in October. However, I am still glad I gave myself plenty of time to train.

Training has been tough since my last workout-run, the weather has been windy/rainy and my ankle injury isn't up for another long run. I try to do some fitness exercises, until I can properly get back on my feet.

In the meantime, I am continuing to drive the change I want to make through other means, such as this year's GOI International Essay Contest: "A Letter to Myself from 2030". My submission combines my two professional passions: sustainability and mental health. Fingers crossed for the results in October!

Back in 2018, I joined this contest in the hopes of raising funds for my tuition fees at University College London. I did not win, but out of 13,185 international youth category entries, I was amongst the lucky 25 to receive an Honourable Mention for my essay on "The Change I Want to Make: Opening the conversation about mental health".

Receiving this Honourable Mention meant a lot to me. Back then, I wasn't sure if I was ready to open up about my mental health. Part of me contemplated writing my essay about sustainability instead, because that would be much less personal. I however went with my guts and did what felt right to me at the time: writing about what hit me most during that moment, which was my mental health.

I never dared to share this essay because I was afraid of putting the spotlight on my 'flaws'. However, if my fundraiser has taught me anything, it's that both my pains and passions have shaped me into the strong woman I am today.

This is why I am now sharing my 2018 essay, even though the "change I want to make" has slightly changed. I am still open for tackling mental health issues as a designer, but I have come to realise that my personal stories bring me closer to the issue, which means that it might be best brought to light through the poet/artist inside of me. Also, my professional life has taken a turn towards sustainability, something I am not quite willing to let go either.

Nonetheless, whatever the future may bring, I stand by my passions. It's just that the road towards manifesting those passions have changed a little bit. The sentiments are still the same, so I am sharing my 2018 entry without edits.

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The Change I Want to Make: Opening the conversation about mental health

by Cynthia Tze Keng Ko (GOI International Essay entry, 2018)

Them: “How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine, how about you?”

An almost automatic response. After all, what’s not to be fine about? I was born and raised in a 1st world country, the Netherlands, a place where my studies and healthcare are mostly funded. I have a warm bed to come home to every day, and hunger is not a problem to me. During the past 6 years, I have risen like a phoenix in terms of academics: at the age of 23 I have travelled the world more than my parents ever did, while studying at highly reputed universities across the world. There seems to be a bright future ahead of me.

Except: I’m not fine. Every day I doubt whether I will be alive to see my own future unfold, or whether that future will be a happy one for me. All for one reason: chronic depression. It’s been there for more than half of my life, and the last 6 years were spent hoping to survive every new day while going through countless therapy sessions. Yet I barely speak out about this because, who wants to be negative in an age where optimism is trending? But this is not just about me. The most concerning thing of all is: I’m not the only one.

In 2016, about 15.5% of the global population had any mental disorder [1]. Mental disorders also contribute to 47-74% of the population’s risk of suicide [2]. Yet how many people talk about this? Even when we do, mental disorders are a difficult concept to grasp. Expressing empathy towards physical health issues, such as cancer, is much easier than doing the same for mental health issues. Those who suffer mentally seem fine from the outside, but it is their repressed voices that take them down even further into a dark pit. What if people were more aware about mental health issues, and what if it became less taboo to talk about it?

That is the change I want to make, but as Mahatma Gandhi used to say: “You must be the change you want to see in the world”. This change started with me being honest in this essay: exposing my vulnerabilities to you. This change continues as I take my story to the stage, by performing at various poetry slams or publishing my poetry online to expose my own experiences. Somehow, we as human beings acknowledge struggle, but only the struggle that meets our standards of ‘true suffering’. By speaking up, I aim to open up a dialogue about this ‘right’ to feel sadness, and hopefully encourage others to do the same.

But that’s not everything. Coming September I will be studying the postgraduate diploma course ‘Behaviour Change’ at University College London. This will equip me with the knowledge on how to change behaviour, and therefore perception. Together with my degree in Industrial Design, I aim to create the interventions needed to make perception change towards mental health a reality. In my future career, I want to help local communities understand mental health better and stimulate them to support those who suffer through open conversations. Community care is more efficient than institutional care [3]. One of the ways to do this is by starting a project that encourages the mentally ill to speak up and connect with their community, since a helping hand, listening ear and someone to do activities with is already of tremendous help.

Acknowledging the right to speak up about struggles will make the world a healthier and happier place. I myself am living proof that it is possible to thrive despite my mental health condition: it is because I dared to open up about my problems and seek help. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if everyone who suffered in silence was also stimulated to reach out for help, without the fear of being judged about their ‘right’ to feel sad or not? I did not give a reason for my depression in this essay: but I shouldn’t have to in order to gain understanding. Mental illnesses are just as valid as any other physical illness.

That is the change I want to make: opening the conversation about mental health.

[1] Roser, M. & Ritchie, H. (2018) - "Mental Health". Published online at OurWorldInData.org. Retrieved from: https://ourworldindata.org/mental-health 
[2] J.T., Cavanagh, A.J. Carson, M. Shapre, S.M. Lawrie (2003). Psychological autopsy studies of suicide: a systematic review. Psychol. Med. 33(3), 395-405.
[3] World Health Organisation. (2001) The World health report 2001. Mental health : new understanding, new hope. Retrieved from: http://www.who.int/whr/2001/en/