Fierceness over Resilience

Every time I run, I remember how strong my mind is. It must be a result of the power songs that I listen to whilst running - but there's also something incredibly satisfying about pushing your body beyond its initial boundaries. Maybe it's the 'Runner's High' speaking. 

During my runs, I am uplifted by numerous power women who sing their anthems of resilience into my ears. It makes me reflect on life, my own sadness and joys in life... my capability, my character. 

That's exactly what happened today, whilst exploring my new London Borough.

Wait, London?

Yes, London.

I realise I haven't been blogging for a long long time, but I am actually back in the capital of diversity and dreams again. It's been a strange 1.5 months living here in the middle of a pandemic. When I graduated back in May, something deep inside of me said I was probably crazy for trying to get a job in the middle of a pandemic and a Brexit transition. I tried to push these negative thoughts away, and didn't start job hunting after a proper holiday of crocheting and gardening.

By the end of August, I started to touch up my CV and Portfolio again. I was ready to go into the battlefield, despite being discouraged by the hundreds of applicants I'd see reacting to job ads I was interested in. To be fair, I didn't apply to an awful lot of jobs - after all, I'm quite a picky one.

Haven't I always been picky about getting a meaningful job, though?

Yes, but I didn't start to truly chase this 'fantasy' until I had a taste of what a 'meaningful job' could entail. I count myself lucky that I managed to graduate on a thesis that is both relevant to the environment and the company I worked for.  And since the middle of July, I've had the chance to join 'Slow Fashion Season' - an annual campaign encouraging people from all over the world to stop buying anything new for 3 months. I joined this campaign as a content creator - nothing I wasn't used to doing in my previous voluntary roles - but soon enough I found myself a new family of fellow boss ladies / change makers. 

Slow Fashion Season hosted a huge community of volunteers across the globe and they wanted to keep growing. Back in September, we transitioned to a "Slow Fashion Movement", meaning we are now a permanent initiative with several campaigns running all over the year. I've had the honour to be part of shaping the "Cut The Seasons" and "Conscious Carnival" campaign... and now I'm also heading a regional Slow Fashion UK team.

All of this sounds too good to be true - but actually it gets better.

Mid-October I got offered a job as a Qualitative Research Executive at a market research consultancy that advocates for diversity, inclusion and equality. By the end of November, I moved to London. I met an interesting bunch of housemates and am feeling quite cosy in my tiny bedroom with way too many colours than I'm used to.

So, sounds like all my dreams came true then!

Kind of, but dreams are fleeting. I am grateful for where I got in life. My career is definitely on the kind of path I'd always wished it would be. During weekdays, I am getting in touch with my own heritage but also expanding my worldview through a socio-psychological lens... In my free time, I am still fighting for environmental justice. I am not giving up on learning, and I am not giving up on creating an impact in the world.

Sometimes, life does get lonely though. Mind you, we are in the middle of a lockdown here in London and I am also aware that I'm currently the only single sibling in the family.

The thing is, my dream isn't to marry just any man. All my life, I've had great resilience. Whatever shit life threw at me, I'd get through it. I've grown accustomed to biting through the sour apple. What I never thought of doing, was to spit out that sour apple, and culminate an environment in which I'd be surrounded by sweet apples.

Resilience is what brought me so close to my career dreams, but there's also some sort of obedience in the word resilience. As a resilient person, you fight against misfortune, but you do not always do so by standing up for yourself. A lot of times in life, resilience meant acceptance of circumstances.

This year, through therapy, I have learnt that I don't just want to be resilient. I want to be fierce. I want to respect myself, which means also demanding respect from others. The keyword is "demanding", because I am certainly not used to that. I am sacrificial by nature. I try to make myself smaller so that others will feel better.

In 2021 I say: let's have some more self-respect. I am worthy, and I have the right to demand when it's reasonable. I am done feeling like I'm always "too much": too emotional, too sensitive, too depressed, too ambitious, too moralistic, too caring. This is the package that anyone who respects me should be willing to deal with - because that's what makes me the fierce AND resilient beauty I am.

The truth

I'll be honest; these days have been tough on me. I'm navigating a new vision on friendships, trying to decide what's good and healthy for me. I also feel like I've been living in a cave the last few days. New hobbies and interests were all good and fun for the last 3-5 months, but now I'm starting to feel increasingly hopeless about life.

I'm working so hard to overcome my adversities, but am feeling terribly alone in this. Currently I am being trained as a Mental Health First Aider. Every time I read about the horrific risks, symptoms and consequences of mental ill health... and how I should be handling these if I assess these in someone, I keep asking myself: who will ever do this for me?

I have less than a handful of people I currently trust to be somewhat vulnerable with, but none habitually. Routine is so important for me to feel grounded - and I don't mean just in terms of tasks (believe me, I am filling my Google Calendar enough with volunteering work, therapy, online courses, working at my parent's shop and job hunting). I feel like all my routines in terms of social interactions are crumbling. My sleep is constantly disrupted as well. It's hard to fall asleep and I wake up from dreams feeling slightly panicky/anxious. The only thing I could count on to remain certain - my future plans - have becoming unrealistic as well due to COVID-19. 

Death is more often on my mind. It's in every song, situation, thought or action I consciously experience. Sometimes I zone out and feel like I'm not really living. I know I'm not going to die anytime soon but I'm suffocating in my own misery despite double the initial dosage of my anti-depressants. Sometimes I disappear from my social media/friends because I'm tired of faking it. I try to stay away from alcohol as much as possible so I don't do anything insensible, but the thought is tempting.

If I die young

"The sharp knife of a short life,

oh well I've had just enough time.

If I die young, bury me in satin.

Lay me down on a bed of roses.

Sink me in the river at dawn.

Send me away with the words of a love song."

These lyrics are from the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry, although I prefer the Glee cast version sung by Naya Rivera. Naya recently passed away whilst going missing during a boat ride. At the age of 33, the sharp knife of a short life had cut her out of the blue. Being young doesn't guarantee liveliness, something I have become even more aware of during the COVD-19 pandemic.

All my life I have spent a lot of time thinking about death. As a child, I had a recurring dream where I walked from my primary school to my house, and watched the pavement disappear around me tile by tile. I'd end up floating in a celestial environment, feeling life trickle out of my fingertips as I couldn't move a muscle, whilst hearing the echoes of voices far, far away. 

That dream made me fear the thought of death. It seemed frightening to be somewhat conscious as a spirit, but not be able to interact with the physical world. I didn't know if heaven or hell existed, but something deep inside of me hoped that reincarnation was true. Being a ghost felt lonely and hopeless. At least if life would spring forth in a new soul, new memories could make living past death less painful. 

Fast-forward to my teenage years, I still didn't know whether I should believe in heaven/hell, reincarnation, or nothingness after death. Yet, my depression made me desire it. I've been battling against suicidal ideation since the age of 12. It's been a 13-year victory where I didn't give in - knowing that there was going to be a better life for me as long as I kept climbing. When I say suicidal ideation, it means that the thought of taking my life usually crosses my mind at least once a week. It takes a lot of mental effort to say "no" to that. I have never actually tried taking my life, but sometimes life got so tough that I didn't know what else would be a better solution against my pain.

Especially the last 7 years, I have actively been trying to heal from these negative thoughts through a lot of self-care, therapy and a great support network. It's still hard to say "no" to the temptation of death whenever life or people reject me. My mood swings heavily between depressive anhedonia and avoidant hyper-activity. During my 'hyper-active' moments, I feel like I am the 'real me' who's on top of the world. I'd successfully pursue the things I dream of (whether they are career-related steps or personal achievements) and bite through the sour apples. It's the woman most people like in me: passionate, ambitious, productive and strong. My depressive moments feel like the complete opposite. It's the woman that finds it hard to get out of bed or to sleep early, the woman who just sits and stares all day, the woman who complains too much and emotionally traumatises others due to her fear of abandonment, the woman who's called a pessimist. It's during these moments where I think most about just being a dot in the universe that's taking up unnecessary space; a dot that should disappear. These thoughts are so intense and repetitive sometimes that I lie paralysed in bed, trying to calm myself down.

I know it's hard for people to deal with someone who's depressed and suicidal. I can imagine it is fearsome, or that it confuses them. Over the years I've had people react differently to it:

• Laughter. When I was 13/14, a close friend of mine simply laughed in my face when I told her about my suicidal thoughts. At the age of 24, I've had a man chuckle at me and ask "how are you going to do that". 
• Concern. My closer friends and those who have known me for a while would try to convince me about the beautiful life that's unfolding on my path, and all the people I'd be leaving behind if I took my life.
• Fear. These people feel negatively affected by the way I open up to them, and reasonably so. They fear that if I did take my life it'll be their fault for not stopping me, or they fear not having me in their lives anymore. 
• Anger. Me mentioning my thoughts can be considered as manipulation to some people, or they're just frustrated that I keep bringing it up. My first ex once slapped me (softly) in the face because I said he probably wouldn't care if I were dead.

I know that suicidal ideation isn't something to be taken lightly, nor should I needlessly tell people about this if I know I don't have the intention to act. Every 50 times the thought crosses my mind, I'd probably just be telling someone once about it. Maybe deep inside, my head reacts to my thoughts the same way others have done: a mixture of laughter, concern, fear and anger. Thinking about death has become such a habit that sometimes I don't even take myself seriously anymore. It's just a manifestation of my sadness which sometimes makes me angry. I am mostly frustrated at how long these thoughts have been wandering around, and tired of constantly fighting against them. Rewiring my brain isn't an easy task (it's one of the few things therapy has taught me so far).

Nobody actually reads this blog, but it feels nice to pretend that I'm talking to someone. So, to the ghost that's reading along... know that there's still quite some things for me to do before I leave:

• Leaving something to remember me by. I think what's more fearsome than death itself might be the way one could be forgotten or misremembered by others. Throughout the years I've made sure to gift something hand-made/hand-written to the people I care about, ensuring that if I did die young, they'd have something sweet to remember me by. I don't want people to remember me as a black hole. Letters are sacred to me, and it's the most uncensored type of communication you'd usually get from me. When I write, I forget the world's judgment. This is why one of my biggest dreams before death would be to publish the auto-biography I'm currently working on and a yet-to-be-compiled poetry bundle. I don't want to leave the world without sharing my truth. I don't want to be misunderstood.
• Witnessing the big moments of the ones I love. My sister's start/completion of her master's degree, the graduation ceremonies of my friends (R&M)... I know these are important near-future milestones that they'd want me to witness. I also don't want to influence their studies by suddenly disappearing. There's also my parents' financial situation that needs to be stabilised before they retire. My two brothers currently seem content with life, so I think they'd be fine. 
• Leaving a mark. I'd like to think that some of my actions have led to a better world in terms of environmental sustainability and mental health. My mental health fundraiser will soon be crossed off my bucket list. I don't know if I have the capability to do something for the environment, but I'm trying through small actions. Ironically, I guess having one less life on earth could make things easier for our ecosystem.

Regardless, given the nature of uncertainty during these times... I still feel the need to get some wishes off my chest:

• Don't bury me - I'd like to be cremated. Turn my ashes into jewellery for my best friend R, my sister and my mother. Put the rest of my ashes into a tree. I'd like to die sustainably and meaningfully.
• Use my bank account's money to arrange my service. Whatever is left, gift it to my sister for her to pursue her dreams. I probably don't have much, but it's good to have these things written down. I don't care about having a fancy service, what matters is that there's a moment for those I love to gather together. If you insist on bringing me flowers, I'd suggest white lilies. I've always loved their elegance and purity. In terms of music... The piano cover of Coldplay's 'Everglow' by Benny Martin has special meaning to me. The original song reminds me of my moments with Su. I love the lyrics.
• Print a copy of my poetry bundle and auto-biography for those who desire it. Before I go, I'll make sure to have personally signed a copy for my parents, my siblings, my close university friends (R, V, Mey, I, Ma, D, W, X) my Australian cousin (An), my fellow pink-haired cousin (El), my UK buddies (Isa, Chr, Ay, Pau), my London ex-housemates (Pa, Vi, Em) and Su.
• Don't read my diaries or therapy workbooks. Shred them. They include emotional, inconsiderate moments in life. Completely erase everything on my phones and laptops - respect my privacy. The most important pictures have already been made into physical albums or are in the process of it.
• I've kept all the letters I've received from my university friends, my UK buddies, and the most positive romantic influence in my life (Su). I'd like those to be returned to their respective owners.

Everglow - Coldplay

"Oh they say people come

Say people go

This particular diamond was extra special

And though you might be gone

And the world may not know

Still I see you celestial"

[...] 

"But the changing of winds

And the way waters flow

Life as short as the falling of snow

And now I'm gonna miss you, I know

But when I'm cold, cold

In water rolled, salt

And I know that you're with me

And the way you will show

And you're with me wherever I go

'Cause you give me this feeling, this everglow

What I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold

Yeah, I live for this feeling, this everglow

So if you love someone, you should let them know

Oh, the light that you left me will everglow"

Destinations

Enjoy the road; enjoy the destination. I try to appreciate both in life, and am therefore thrilled to announce that my Mental Health Fundraiser has reached its €1000 goal. It took me about 2 months to get here, but especially the first month was nerve-wrecking. It's one thing to struggle with mental health, another to just throw out my story into the world wide web and anxiously await whether I'd be caught up in my own web of doubts.

That being said, I'm still glad I did this. As of late, I feel like my passions are finally piecing themselves together. Throughout the years I've had many hobbies and interests. I never called myself a mental health advocate before, but through this fundraiser, my poetry, and upcoming articles I've been writing for an online magazine, I feel like my actions are finally aligned with my morals.

My second passion (sustainability) has always felt a bit disconnected from my interest in mental health... but I think I found the connecting bridge: mindful creativity. Lately, my crocheting adventures have made me more mindful and skilled in creating my own garments. My first wearable creation was a simple triangular scarf, which took me about 3 weeks to make. I'm hoping that I can soon create bigger pieces to wear. The feelings of relaxation, accomplishment and sustainability I get from crocheting are something I'd never imagined putting together. I am grateful for this summer, where I was forced to stay inside due to the pandemic. I was forced to introspect, to find ways to cope, and I got so much more from this summer than any exotic holiday would have given me.

The destination I've reached so far has been amazing, but also a bit lonely. Sometimes it feels like the more of my goals I reach in life, the less connected I feel with people. It's kind of like sitting atop a mountain, enjoying the fresh air and gorgeous landscape, whilst longing for someone next to you to share the view with. I'm missing human touch, I'm missing the prospect of ever being loved. My emotional state has been going through its ups and downs, especially since I've been isolating myself more from social/digital interactions (trying to respect some of my friends' boundaries).

The road to healing is difficult, and at this stage, mostly something that's up to me and my interactions with professionals. I'm trying to accept that whilst my friends want to be here for me, some things are just beyond their emotional capabilities.

Healing

It's been a month since I graduated - things have certainly been different since then. I have never felt such freedom before and am surprised by my own discipline. My sleep-wake rhythm is still on point; waking up early makes me feel refreshed and like there's hope for the day. Mornings are my most productive, where I'd do things that require some brain energy... such as writing.

The rest of the day I am usually familiarising myself with a DIY-mentality that I was always frightened of before. Rather than striving for perfection, I find joy in progress. Whether this is about crocheting or sewing, I am very excited about the upcycling possibilities... thinking of changing old bags around or creating things I need to store my camera equipment in.

My creativity is peaking: I'm writing poems, following illustrator courses and having some fun with photoshop to create cheesy pictures for my friends. Other than that, I am going crazy with growing herbs and vegetables. My current collection include: basil, mint, coriander, butternut squash, bitter melon, pineapple, red peppers, cauliflower, sunflowers and courgettes. It's going to be an exciting summer; I'm thinking of building a green house. Since my ankle still isn't fully healed yet, my time in the garden is my main means of physical activity. A few days ago I cycled 12 km, though, and I am hoping to make it a habit.

I am happy to be a mental health advocate through my own lifestyle changes and my communication towards others. My fundraiser has reached 840 euros already, and recently I got interviewed for my university's online magazine about the way I struggled with my mental health during my thesis. It was a bit odd to be interviewed; I am used to being the one behind the camera, not in front of it. In the beginning I felt slightly anxious about the way the article would paint me, but now I am happy that my story is out there. Being more honest is just a crucial part of my healing process.

All the busyness aside, I do find myself slowly crawling back in a downward spiral again. My activities help to keep a routine up, but I am still battling feelings of loneliness and insecurity in social relations. Being honest feels easy as an artist, but less so as a friend.

Today I went through my second therapy session, which is still in its explorative phase (untangling what my usual behavioural patterns are that were spurred by my character or past experiences). It's nothing new to me, but being confronted with it makes me feel like there's no end to healing. As my mood is going down these days, I am constantly battling to keep the balance between being this 'warrior fighter' that's survived depression and this helpless soul that's still suffering from depression.

I find myself going back to old ways of emotionally pushing people away... excessively focussing on their needs and talking about their days rather than expressing my own (negative) emotions. My phone is probably going crazy from the way I keep installing and un-installing certain apps just to force myself away from certain people. I love who I am becoming as a person these days but I am still not in love with the person I am in relation to others. I am still afraid of judgement and abandonment, and this is causing toxic thoughts/behaviours which prohibit me from forming healthy relationships. The people I usually rely on for emotional support have expressed their own struggles and feelings of helplessness when it comes to my darkness, and I don't know who to turn to anymore. After all, this is a therapist's job, and my own responsibility.

Reaching €500 and increasing my fundraising goal

An update on the fundraiser

I've done it! The mental health fundraiser that I set up reached its initial goal of 500 euros! According to Mind's donation page, this amount of money covers 22 hours of their online peer support community, OR answers 11 infoline calls. Sometimes a listening ear can already mean so much to those who struggle... I am happy that this collective effort is contributing to something meaningful.

Since there's still plenty of time until my half marathon, I've decided to increase my fundraising goal to 1000 euros. This feels a bit ambitious, but let's see how it goes. It definitely puts me in a more vulnerable position. Most of the people who donated up until now were people who are close to me or kind of knew about my mental health struggles. Now that I've increased my fundraising goal, it's time to campaign amongst those who are unfamiliar with my struggles as well. 

Most of my friends and the people I've worked with are very open-minded, so it doesn't really bother me that they'd know about my struggles. At most, they might find my constant spamming a bit annoying. What I am more tense about is how this fundraiser exposes me to the Asian community. 

It is not usual for most Chinese to speak about emotions, let alone mental health struggles. Most of my cousins and aunts/uncles probably never really knew about my struggles until I posted my fundraiser online. Although I am starting to open up about my mental health, I am not sure if I am ready to talk about all the roots yet. I think that's also something to unpack with my therapist anyway.

So, how's life then?

I am beyond happy that the initial fundraising goal has been reached already, but part of me is also sad that I can't go running yet. My last running attempt didn't do my ankle any good, and it's affecting my mental health. During my master thesis I did not really mind the lack of exercise due to COVID-19 and my ankle, although the moments that I ran or danced were the only times where I felt like I was truly alive. I was very satisfied just focussing on my thesis, and enjoying a new-found digital connection with several friends.

Now that I have no university responsibilities anymore, I am still keeping busy. Usually I wake up around 7:30 AM because of my inability to sleep deeply and there's so much I want to do during a day. This is definitely a new-found joy in life. I've been planting herbs, crocheting, embroidering, writing, following webinars, busying myself with the fundraiser, playing mah yong with the family, making physical photo albums, and so much more.

The last few days it feels like my depression is slowly trickling back, though. The lack of dancing, running and social contact is only now starting to sink in. Sure I am keeping busy, but it's starting to feel a bit purposeless.

Due to covid-19 and waitlists, I also haven't had any therapy anymore since March. Next week I am starting with a set of "schema therapy" sessions, which basically means I will be deconstructing my whole life and my repeated thought/behavioural patterns to unfold the root causes and solutions to my depression. I hope things get better then. The novel digital connections with friends have become a bit more superficial again as everyone is starting to go back to their 'normal lives'. It definitely feels a bit lonely talking to my blog and plants. 

But, as always, I won't let my emotions get in the way of the things I want to do. I am certainly not planning things as avidly as I did before, but there's still a whole waitlist of personal projects that I'd like to start working on... so stay tuned!

Continuing to drive the change I want to make

It's only been 2 weeks since I put my fundraiser for mental health online, and I'm already at 70% of my goal! I feel beyond grateful for the support I've gained during this journey. I certainly did not expect things to go this fast, which is partly why I planned my half marathon in October. However, I am still glad I gave myself plenty of time to train.

Training has been tough since my last workout-run, the weather has been windy/rainy and my ankle injury isn't up for another long run. I try to do some fitness exercises, until I can properly get back on my feet.

In the meantime, I am continuing to drive the change I want to make through other means, such as this year's GOI International Essay Contest: "A Letter to Myself from 2030". My submission combines my two professional passions: sustainability and mental health. Fingers crossed for the results in October!

Back in 2018, I joined this contest in the hopes of raising funds for my tuition fees at University College London. I did not win, but out of 13,185 international youth category entries, I was amongst the lucky 25 to receive an Honourable Mention for my essay on "The Change I Want to Make: Opening the conversation about mental health".

Receiving this Honourable Mention meant a lot to me. Back then, I wasn't sure if I was ready to open up about my mental health. Part of me contemplated writing my essay about sustainability instead, because that would be much less personal. I however went with my guts and did what felt right to me at the time: writing about what hit me most during that moment, which was my mental health.

I never dared to share this essay because I was afraid of putting the spotlight on my 'flaws'. However, if my fundraiser has taught me anything, it's that both my pains and passions have shaped me into the strong woman I am today.

This is why I am now sharing my 2018 essay, even though the "change I want to make" has slightly changed. I am still open for tackling mental health issues as a designer, but I have come to realise that my personal stories bring me closer to the issue, which means that it might be best brought to light through the poet/artist inside of me. Also, my professional life has taken a turn towards sustainability, something I am not quite willing to let go either.

Nonetheless, whatever the future may bring, I stand by my passions. It's just that the road towards manifesting those passions have changed a little bit. The sentiments are still the same, so I am sharing my 2018 entry without edits.

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The Change I Want to Make: Opening the conversation about mental health

by Cynthia Tze Keng Ko (GOI International Essay entry, 2018)

Them: “How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine, how about you?”

An almost automatic response. After all, what’s not to be fine about? I was born and raised in a 1st world country, the Netherlands, a place where my studies and healthcare are mostly funded. I have a warm bed to come home to every day, and hunger is not a problem to me. During the past 6 years, I have risen like a phoenix in terms of academics: at the age of 23 I have travelled the world more than my parents ever did, while studying at highly reputed universities across the world. There seems to be a bright future ahead of me.

Except: I’m not fine. Every day I doubt whether I will be alive to see my own future unfold, or whether that future will be a happy one for me. All for one reason: chronic depression. It’s been there for more than half of my life, and the last 6 years were spent hoping to survive every new day while going through countless therapy sessions. Yet I barely speak out about this because, who wants to be negative in an age where optimism is trending? But this is not just about me. The most concerning thing of all is: I’m not the only one.

In 2016, about 15.5% of the global population had any mental disorder [1]. Mental disorders also contribute to 47-74% of the population’s risk of suicide [2]. Yet how many people talk about this? Even when we do, mental disorders are a difficult concept to grasp. Expressing empathy towards physical health issues, such as cancer, is much easier than doing the same for mental health issues. Those who suffer mentally seem fine from the outside, but it is their repressed voices that take them down even further into a dark pit. What if people were more aware about mental health issues, and what if it became less taboo to talk about it?

That is the change I want to make, but as Mahatma Gandhi used to say: “You must be the change you want to see in the world”. This change started with me being honest in this essay: exposing my vulnerabilities to you. This change continues as I take my story to the stage, by performing at various poetry slams or publishing my poetry online to expose my own experiences. Somehow, we as human beings acknowledge struggle, but only the struggle that meets our standards of ‘true suffering’. By speaking up, I aim to open up a dialogue about this ‘right’ to feel sadness, and hopefully encourage others to do the same.

But that’s not everything. Coming September I will be studying the postgraduate diploma course ‘Behaviour Change’ at University College London. This will equip me with the knowledge on how to change behaviour, and therefore perception. Together with my degree in Industrial Design, I aim to create the interventions needed to make perception change towards mental health a reality. In my future career, I want to help local communities understand mental health better and stimulate them to support those who suffer through open conversations. Community care is more efficient than institutional care [3]. One of the ways to do this is by starting a project that encourages the mentally ill to speak up and connect with their community, since a helping hand, listening ear and someone to do activities with is already of tremendous help.

Acknowledging the right to speak up about struggles will make the world a healthier and happier place. I myself am living proof that it is possible to thrive despite my mental health condition: it is because I dared to open up about my problems and seek help. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if everyone who suffered in silence was also stimulated to reach out for help, without the fear of being judged about their ‘right’ to feel sad or not? I did not give a reason for my depression in this essay: but I shouldn’t have to in order to gain understanding. Mental illnesses are just as valid as any other physical illness.

That is the change I want to make: opening the conversation about mental health.

[1] Roser, M. & Ritchie, H. (2018) - "Mental Health". Published online at OurWorldInData.org. Retrieved from: https://ourworldindata.org/mental-health 
[2] J.T., Cavanagh, A.J. Carson, M. Shapre, S.M. Lawrie (2003). Psychological autopsy studies of suicide: a systematic review. Psychol. Med. 33(3), 395-405.
[3] World Health Organisation. (2001) The World health report 2001. Mental health : new understanding, new hope. Retrieved from: http://www.who.int/whr/2001/en/

Fundraiser workout #1: Patience and progress

As some of you already know, I am planning on running a personal half-marathon in October to raise money for a mental health charity (Mind). Being a fresh graduate, I am definitely enjoying the freedom and flexibility of working on my health.

My sleep habits are getting back on track again: no more staying up till 2 AM due to insomnia, and a regular wake-up time of 9AM truly makes me feel properly energised again. This leaves plenty of time to exercise. Today, I joined my sister in her 10-minute high-intensity workout, did some stretching (eventual goal: let's hit those splits!) and went on a short run.

Initially I was planning on running 3km, but at 0.7 km my ankle started to act up, so I had to quit pushing my boundaries. By the looks of it, I might need another month of ankle-strengthening exercises until I can run like I used to again.

It is somewhat frustrating, knowing I can barely do 2 km runs these days when I used to be able to run 10 km without a sweat. However, running has always been about the process to me rather than the results. What I love about running is that it teaches me a lot about perseverance. No matter how hard life gets, I have always been strong enough to push through. Sometimes I could even push further: setting an initial running goal of 7km would then turn into 10km... at one point it went up to 12 km, 15 km, 18km, and finally 21km. It shows how powerful determination can be.

At the same time, running is about self-awareness and loving yourself. Sometimes I'd set a 10km goal but realise that my body isn't up for pushing my limits. During these times I was able to be kind to myself and quit running before my initial goal. That's also what happened today. My ankle wasn't ready for that 3km yet, but that's okay, I've got more than 4 months to get back to a 21km distance.

Today didn't hold me back, it rather made me excited about working on myself more so I can get back to being my usual self. It helps that my environment is very supportive of my endeavours. I am amazed at the growth of my fundraiser. Only 1.5 days later and I am already at 30% of my goal!

Many thanks to everyone who has supported me so far. I wish I could run my half-marathon by the end of this month already, but it's important to be kind to my body. So until then, I'll just have to keep doing low-intensity activities.



P.S.: For those who are wondering what happened to my ankle... I went indoor rock climbing in March and fell from a 5m height, landing quite awfully on one foot. It was all swollen and purple for quite a while, I only started walking 'normally' again in April, but my ankle tendon is probably still torn.

Making my dream come true: running for a mental health charity

"I think the thing that people remember the most about me should not be my achievements but the way I got there, both my ups and downs. I hope one day I can be courageous enough to be authentic without fear, and to embrace myself even for my 'failures'. I hope I can see that nothing is ever really a failure because treading on is already an achievement. My friend once told me that a semi-colon is used when an author could have ended their sentence, but did not. I want each of my 'achievements' to end in a semicolon, ever-transforming the sentence of my life."

I wrote this when I was doubting the success of my own graduation thesis a few months ago. Fast-forward to May 25th 2020, I have received my Master's degree with a thesis grade beyond my wildest imagination.

The last few years I've put 200% effort into academics... but my biggest pride is putting double that effort into my mental health by dancing, running, meditating, going to therapy, writing and much more:

Today I am embracing my fears and doing something I've always dreamed of doing, but didn't dare to do: opening up about my mental health publicly. I'm sharing this story because every success has a journey, and I'm hoping to ease that journey for those who are struggling too. 

At first I was hoping to run my half marathon for a mental health charity around this time of the year, but due to an ankle injury, I am turning my graduation celebration into a birthday celebration. On October 14th, I am hoping to raise at least 500 euros for Mind (UK mental health charity) by running my own half-marathon.

I don't know if this is crazy but I do know that this is something I've always wanted to do. It would mean the world if you could support my fundraiser at http://bit.ly/cynthiasfundraiser

A letter to myself in ten years

Dear Cynthia,

When you're reading this, you must be 35 already. I won't try to imagine what your career and family life will look like by then, I just hope you live to read this letter. It's what we've been striving for all along, haven't we? To survive.

We haven't had the easiest of lives, and I know you have found it hard to forgive the past and trust in the future. Many friends have come and gone, many were battles won and lost. To be honest, everything you've set your eyes on so far has been reached by you, but we both know it didn't help to fill this endless hole in your heart. I don't expect the future to be different, I just hope you find peace with this reality.

Most of all, I hope you at least managed to hold on to those who were good for you. Your family, your Fredinators and your UK gang. It was always hard for you to relate with others, you always felt like an alien in your own world. Right now you may wish to push people away again, like you always do. It's a good thing you've made some stubborn friends, but I know part of you will always wonder when they'll wake up and leave.

All I can hope for is that you'll start believing. Believing that the present reality can make you happy, believing that you're not too much, that you deserve to be here like everybody else. I hope this knowledge pushes you to find joy in life again, to do what you want in life, and to open up as the true you to those you love.

Kind regards,

Me