The truth

I'll be honest; these days have been tough on me. I'm navigating a new vision on friendships, trying to decide what's good and healthy for me. I also feel like I've been living in a cave the last few days. New hobbies and interests were all good and fun for the last 3-5 months, but now I'm starting to feel increasingly hopeless about life.

I'm working so hard to overcome my adversities, but am feeling terribly alone in this. Currently I am being trained as a Mental Health First Aider. Every time I read about the horrific risks, symptoms and consequences of mental ill health... and how I should be handling these if I assess these in someone, I keep asking myself: who will ever do this for me?

I have less than a handful of people I currently trust to be somewhat vulnerable with, but none habitually. Routine is so important for me to feel grounded - and I don't mean just in terms of tasks (believe me, I am filling my Google Calendar enough with volunteering work, therapy, online courses, working at my parent's shop and job hunting). I feel like all my routines in terms of social interactions are crumbling. My sleep is constantly disrupted as well. It's hard to fall asleep and I wake up from dreams feeling slightly panicky/anxious. The only thing I could count on to remain certain - my future plans - have becoming unrealistic as well due to COVID-19. 

Death is more often on my mind. It's in every song, situation, thought or action I consciously experience. Sometimes I zone out and feel like I'm not really living. I know I'm not going to die anytime soon but I'm suffocating in my own misery despite double the initial dosage of my anti-depressants. Sometimes I disappear from my social media/friends because I'm tired of faking it. I try to stay away from alcohol as much as possible so I don't do anything insensible, but the thought is tempting.