Healing

It's been a month since I graduated - things have certainly been different since then. I have never felt such freedom before and am surprised by my own discipline. My sleep-wake rhythm is still on point; waking up early makes me feel refreshed and like there's hope for the day. Mornings are my most productive, where I'd do things that require some brain energy... such as writing.

The rest of the day I am usually familiarising myself with a DIY-mentality that I was always frightened of before. Rather than striving for perfection, I find joy in progress. Whether this is about crocheting or sewing, I am very excited about the upcycling possibilities... thinking of changing old bags around or creating things I need to store my camera equipment in.

My creativity is peaking: I'm writing poems, following illustrator courses and having some fun with photoshop to create cheesy pictures for my friends. Other than that, I am going crazy with growing herbs and vegetables. My current collection include: basil, mint, coriander, butternut squash, bitter melon, pineapple, red peppers, cauliflower, sunflowers and courgettes. It's going to be an exciting summer; I'm thinking of building a green house. Since my ankle still isn't fully healed yet, my time in the garden is my main means of physical activity. A few days ago I cycled 12 km, though, and I am hoping to make it a habit.

I am happy to be a mental health advocate through my own lifestyle changes and my communication towards others. My fundraiser has reached 840 euros already, and recently I got interviewed for my university's online magazine about the way I struggled with my mental health during my thesis. It was a bit odd to be interviewed; I am used to being the one behind the camera, not in front of it. In the beginning I felt slightly anxious about the way the article would paint me, but now I am happy that my story is out there. Being more honest is just a crucial part of my healing process.

All the busyness aside, I do find myself slowly crawling back in a downward spiral again. My activities help to keep a routine up, but I am still battling feelings of loneliness and insecurity in social relations. Being honest feels easy as an artist, but less so as a friend.

Today I went through my second therapy session, which is still in its explorative phase (untangling what my usual behavioural patterns are that were spurred by my character or past experiences). It's nothing new to me, but being confronted with it makes me feel like there's no end to healing. As my mood is going down these days, I am constantly battling to keep the balance between being this 'warrior fighter' that's survived depression and this helpless soul that's still suffering from depression.

I find myself going back to old ways of emotionally pushing people away... excessively focussing on their needs and talking about their days rather than expressing my own (negative) emotions. My phone is probably going crazy from the way I keep installing and un-installing certain apps just to force myself away from certain people. I love who I am becoming as a person these days but I am still not in love with the person I am in relation to others. I am still afraid of judgement and abandonment, and this is causing toxic thoughts/behaviours which prohibit me from forming healthy relationships. The people I usually rely on for emotional support have expressed their own struggles and feelings of helplessness when it comes to my darkness, and I don't know who to turn to anymore. After all, this is a therapist's job, and my own responsibility.