An update on the fundraiser
I've done it! The mental health fundraiser that I set up reached its initial goal of 500 euros! According to Mind's donation page, this amount of money covers 22 hours of their online peer support community, OR answers 11 infoline calls. Sometimes a listening ear can already mean so much to those who struggle... I am happy that this collective effort is contributing to something meaningful.
Since there's still plenty of time until my half marathon, I've decided to increase my fundraising goal to 1000 euros. This feels a bit ambitious, but let's see how it goes. It definitely puts me in a more vulnerable position. Most of the people who donated up until now were people who are close to me or kind of knew about my mental health struggles. Now that I've increased my fundraising goal, it's time to campaign amongst those who are unfamiliar with my struggles as well.
Most of my friends and the people I've worked with are very open-minded, so it doesn't really bother me that they'd know about my struggles. At most, they might find my constant spamming a bit annoying. What I am more tense about is how this fundraiser exposes me to the Asian community.
It is not usual for most Chinese to speak about emotions, let alone mental health struggles. Most of my cousins and aunts/uncles probably never really knew about my struggles until I posted my fundraiser online. Although I am starting to open up about my mental health, I am not sure if I am ready to talk about all the roots yet. I think that's also something to unpack with my therapist anyway.
So, how's life then?
I am beyond happy that the initial fundraising goal has been reached already, but part of me is also sad that I can't go running yet. My last running attempt didn't do my ankle any good, and it's affecting my mental health. During my master thesis I did not really mind the lack of exercise due to COVID-19 and my ankle, although the moments that I ran or danced were the only times where I felt like I was truly alive. I was very satisfied just focussing on my thesis, and enjoying a new-found digital connection with several friends.
Now that I have no university responsibilities anymore, I am still keeping busy. Usually I wake up around 7:30 AM because of my inability to sleep deeply and there's so much I want to do during a day. This is definitely a new-found joy in life. I've been planting herbs, crocheting, embroidering, writing, following webinars, busying myself with the fundraiser, playing mah yong with the family, making physical photo albums, and so much more.
The last few days it feels like my depression is slowly trickling back, though. The lack of dancing, running and social contact is only now starting to sink in. Sure I am keeping busy, but it's starting to feel a bit purposeless.
Due to covid-19 and waitlists, I also haven't had any therapy anymore since March. Next week I am starting with a set of "schema therapy" sessions, which basically means I will be deconstructing my whole life and my repeated thought/behavioural patterns to unfold the root causes and solutions to my depression. I hope things get better then. The novel digital connections with friends have become a bit more superficial again as everyone is starting to go back to their 'normal lives'. It definitely feels a bit lonely talking to my blog and plants.
But, as always, I won't let my emotions get in the way of the things I want to do. I am certainly not planning things as avidly as I did before, but there's still a whole waitlist of personal projects that I'd like to start working on... so stay tuned!
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